words, poems, and everything in between

 As a words of affirmation girly, I tend to write handwritten letters to show my love to someone; and in my high school days, when I am in abundance of papers and pens, I let my creativity flow through my words. I like the feeling of scraping and sweeping the pen through the paper, and that feeling made me write a lot more. 

That was the time that I got to know Reese Lansangan, an amazing singer-songwriter. Whenever I listen to music, I fixate more to the melody rather than the lyrics. But with her songs, I find her lyrics captivating, like I'm reading a good poem. And the melody matches the mood and feeling well. That's why when I got to know her more, I found out that she wrote a book - a collection of poems, and I was not surprised. Back then, I write a lot of poems as well. Her songs been one of my inspirations when I'm writing my poems, and I wished that I can be half as good as her. But now that I've lost my spark, I haven't been able to produce as good poems as back then. The last poem I posted was on 2021, and a requirement in school. I haven't written a single poem ever since. But I'm glad that she still releases good songs up to now, she's still on my top 5 in Spotify.

Ever since I got a job, I never use my creativity again, in writing and drawing; I just read books occasionally, and appreciate the art I see on social media. I'm leaning towards reading and viewing and watching, but not creating on my own. But since I'm still a words of affirmation girly, I make an effort to show my love to someone through words, as much as I can. Back when my boyfriend and I were in the first few months of our relationship, every time our monthsary comes up, I wrote him a letter and sent it to his email. It's not a handwritten letter but it's the thought that counts, and we're both happy about it. But a year passed and I haven't done that since, and now we've been together for 3 years. I just remembered the things I did back then because it's actually our monthsary today. 

Looking back to my 16-year-old self, I think that she is a different person from who I am today. If my 25-year-old self meet my 16-year-old self, they wouldn't recognize each other. She is an idealist and optimistic person, who feels a lot of things, who feels deeply. She can transcend those feelings in a written form, through her poems, her journals, her songs, her novels. She can articulate those feelings better and she can make her feelings known by other people around her. Her likes and dislikes are different than me in the present. She didn't know any better around the people around her, and the struggles of the society that she lives in, that's why she is hopeful for the future, and doesn't think that her achievements are not good enough for her age. But I know better. I know that my creativity - my writings and my art - will not feed me. I know that I should set them aside.

Writing here in a blog is a good outlet, a creative outlet I can use so I can still recognize myself and my personality, my soul. As much as my 16-year-old and 25-year-old self are different from each other, I'd like to think that one thing in me never changes, my love in writing. It is my sole trait that connects every phases of my life to each other, whether I'm 16, or 25, so I will not lose myself.

-Pauline